Lines

I feel like I'm drifting. Like I'm not really living for something outside of myself. It's like I've lost my soul. Colors are grayer, music just sounds devoid of real depth, life resolved to money and pointlessness. I've fallen deeper than ever before and I'm just numb.

So here it is. The line in the sand. I've drawn it before, but here it is again. Holiness is not something cheap. It requires your very life. The death of your passions, the death of your feelings and dreams so far as they serve to fulfill and satisfy completely. There is something greater, someone higher. I have to believe this, what is there left? How do I deepen this relationship with Jesus? I don't want the soft mushy answers. I want to see stories of redemption, stories played out in front of me of people being healed, people overcoming, of loving each other, restoring the color, the laughter, meaning dissolved in our tears.

But alas, for what purpose? Is there still the stain of selfishness at the root? Do I desire this for my happiness, for my completeness alone? Or is this a line that must be walked, a both/and situation? I don't know.

The Badge of Law

Twelve o’clock the train arrives.

Twelve o’clock is the time to die.

Why here? Why not run? I’m only a little star.

Am I worth so much that you must die?

They say he will not follow you.

They say he will not hunt you down.

Well, what do they know? Nothing!

Alone. We are all alone.

Fear is creeping in.

I can see it in the lines of your face.

Fear of death and for Amy.

You were so happy. So alive.

You cannot think of her. But you do.

The love is there.

Her leaving hurts more than death.

She doesn’t understand.

This town, are they content to hide behind me?

Do they not know they are responsible?

They must not.

Miller is coming.

Nothing can stop him.

Nothing but lead.

Running is not an option.

I can see you’ve made up your mind.

Better death fighting than life in fear.

These men are cowards.

Memories are funny things.

Which ones choosing to stay or leave.

Shots in the street.

Women and children running.

Fear. Death.

But we changed that.

We brought peace.

Will no one fight for peace?

Will no one fight for justice?

To die is nothing.

To die alone is hell.

Sacrifice and Joy

Much of our lives involve a complex dance around a shape of distinction, balancing between two or more extremes, always with the goal of living holistic and healthy lives. I'd argue that this dance happens only if we are aware of this tension as we will naturally drift toward the extremes.

The most important of these I believe is the tension between our call to sacrifice and our selfishness. This plays out in many forms, a common one being marriage. As a man, I am called to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, sacrificially, putting her interests, her health, her life above my own. Sounds pretty good. Hard, but I can see where this is going. But wait. These things aren't done in a vacuum. Am I not doing this to get something out of it? Sex perhaps, or maybe fulfillment, joy, or life lived with another, to know and be known, or having a partner who encourages and stands with you through good times and bad? Yes, there certainly are aspects of this thing that appeal directly to the self. And it's NOT bad. In fact, I think it is necessary.