I feel like I'm drifting. Like I'm not really living for something outside of myself. It's like I've lost my soul. Colors are grayer, music just sounds devoid of real depth, life resolved to money and pointlessness. I've fallen deeper than ever before and I'm just numb.
So here it is. The line in the sand. I've drawn it before, but here it is again. Holiness is not something cheap. It requires your very life. The death of your passions, the death of your feelings and dreams so far as they serve to fulfill and satisfy completely. There is something greater, someone higher. I have to believe this, what is there left? How do I deepen this relationship with Jesus? I don't want the soft mushy answers. I want to see stories of redemption, stories played out in front of me of people being healed, people overcoming, of loving each other, restoring the color, the laughter, meaning dissolved in our tears.
But alas, for what purpose? Is there still the stain of selfishness at the root? Do I desire this for my happiness, for my completeness alone? Or is this a line that must be walked, a both/and situation? I don't know.
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